I have sat and typed words on a screen many times and not had peace from God to share my posts so I never published these thoughts that I had typed up.
It wasn't time yet.
I love Jesus and I try my best to live for him and put him first. Do I fail sometimes?
Yes! I am human I am flesh and I am still a work in progress.
Am I closer to God than I was years ago? Yes.
Closer than I was a year ago? YES
More than a year ago I stepped out of my comfort zone and went to a ladies retreat with some women from church. I was in a hard dark place mentally and emotionally. It was a secret dark place because I put on a front I was okay not letting people know how bad I was hurting inside and how hopeless I felt. I considered seeking therapy but was scared of the opinions of others.
Christians who struggle mentally struggle with fear of other followers opinions. We think we area failure if we need help to get through something like depression or anxiety. It may just seem worse to those of us in the fight. But it makes us feel week and worthless.
I had went to several revivals and not missed a church service. I read the word every day. I watched preaching videos online. I prayed. I tried to actively speak worship to the Lord. I raised my arms in praise for all the had done for me in worship services. I did everything on the checklist but I wasn't being delivered from my broken heart and all my sadness.
It wasn't His time yet.
I knew that God could move and I knew sometimes medical help is needed but I just didn't feel meds or therapy was God's answer for me. I knew my answer to heal my brokenness was going to be found in Him but what a long year of a journey it was.
I went to this retreat in Pigeon Forge hosted by Sister Becky Ferree Trammell of HE DIED FOR ME MINISTRIES. I was at the 18th retreat. When the ladies that lead worship started singing "Waymaker" I started lifting my hands to praise Jesus and the atmosphere of 600+ women praising together brings in the presence of the Lord and He touched me. I felt all that burden of sadness started to lift off of me and I was free of the hold sadness had on me. It took stepping into a new environment and gathering with others to free me from my broken heart. I had to press my way to the front near the altar to walk and move and dance for the Lord because there was a darkness that had been on me that was lifted. I was no longer bound by heartache.
Had I been through a huge traumatic event that left me sad?
No.
Sometimes depression hits people this way but not with me. I knew I was blessed but somehow the lies of the enemy had penetrated my armor and I was in a bad place. It was a million little things that had me bound down nothing big. I had a place to live, bills were paid, physically we were all healthy. So many Christians are afraid to speak out about being bound by this sadness and heartache because it is a taboo subject we are supposed to walk to joy! We all have those whispered words in our ear by the enemy of how we aren't enough. And you know he really is half right. We aren't enough but when Jesus is in our hearts and a part of us then the Jesus in us Is ENOUGH for everything. He gives us strength, compassion, and he works off our rough edges so we can help others. (If you haven't heard sister Becky preach you should. She plants small seeds with simple things that you will take with you and remember and grow from).
I personally feel anytime you hear a message from someone truly called and anointed by God that it plants something in you that will bloom later. You may or may not be able to remember the date and full message but something is planted in you and when you hit a certain situation that word rises up and gives you strength. It is like a secret weapon we have to use on the enemy.
I somehow let my joy be stolen for almost a year. I still tried to encourage and lift up others that came my way. I rarely laughed at anything and kept to my self for the most part unless someone came to me for a listening ear. I poured out to everyone and everything else I could even when I wanted to just lay in bed. I pressed.
I had 1 friend I turned to and she had been pulling her way out of a deep pit of heartache too. Her heartache was spurred by broken dreams but that is her testimony and not mine. Last November I got my joy back. I laugh sometimes to the point I cry in joy and oh how it feels to have this deep joy where the deep heartache used to be! But if you have a praying friend and you have a belief in Jesus he will bring you though. You may have to seek help with medications or a therapist but he will see you through at the right time if you pray and seek him.
My only clue as to why we go through some of these things is so that we can help others and stay meek enough not to cast stones at others. I have heard many wise men and women of God claim our trials are to help others and I can totally see that through so much of what I have lived through.
I pray anyone that reads this finds hope and finds joy in the everyday life that God has blessed them with. If you are struggling accept the truth you are not alone. Reach out to someone else. Find someone who has been there and ask them to help you pray your way out.
